A mystery revealed

At heart I am not a hoarder and quite unsentimental when it comes to personal property.

I routinely go through my clothes and throw out the worn and unusable whilst donating the usable but no longer worn to charity.

Additionally, I have sold a few thousand books over the last couple of years because, even with the best will in the world, I would not read them all again. Time’s running short!

Old furniture – gone.

There might be some stuff in the garden shed but as I don’t go in there, who knows.

So, it came as a bit of a shock when I looked in my middle desk drawer this morning. A drawer, mind you, that I sit in front of every day but rarely open. This morning, however, I immediately knew how Howard Carter felt in 1922 when he discovered the largely intact tomb of the 18th Dynasty Pharaoh Tutankhamun in the Valley of the Kings, Egypt.

I discovered a veritable treasure trove of history which included: -

· A scientific calculator that I don’t know how to use and never have. It has 37 buttons and two functions for 36 of them. I only know the numbers 0 - 9 and have a limited ability to add, subtract, multiply and divide. What Sx,Sy or n! mean, who the f*** knows. Still, when a future archaeologist goes through my possessions, he\she will think – this guy must have been smart to use this.

· I also discovered a solar powered calculator, but it had been in the drawer so long that in exposing it to sunlight, I blinded it. Now it’s useless.

· I have a magnifying glass with an inbuilt light to help me with my Sherlock Holmes activities. Alas, it had no batteries and when I inserted new ones, I discovered the bulb had gone. Where’s Watson when I need him. No crimes will be solved now.

· Three pairs of glasses. Always useful backups – except for the fact that they are all the wrong prescription.

· Coincidentally, I have three rulers – none of which I can remember using.

· Talking of non-using I also have a geometry set that I don’t use - you know the kit with a protractor, triangle thing and compass – except I’ve lost my compass.

· I have a stapler – not altogether useful with emails, however.

· Neither are my three letter openers – including the teak one from Malaysia.

· A pencil sharpener or two but I can’t remember the last time I used a pencil.

· Just in case things change, I also have two unused erasers.

· Talking of sharp, I have a few Sharpies – all alas dry so I can’t forge The Felon’s signature – and they don’t qualify as dry erase markers.

· I have a small collection of buttons but due to my diligence in tossing out old clothes, there is nothing to attach them to.

· A wallet containing my father’s birth certificate (1925), my mother’s birth certificate (1927), their marriage certificate (1948), my mother’s driving license from 1968, and my birth certificate. Oh, and a credit note from a cruise ship my parents went on (which I didn’t know about until today) from when a waiter spilled salad dressing on my father’s suit (1987)! Why that is there is beyond me.

· Multiple memory sticks which my real memory had forgotten about.

· A number of specialized tools and wrenches for what? I don’t know.

· A small jewelry box containing the first locks of my hair – not as grey as it is today – for sure.

· A Swiss Army knife – whose ranks I never joined.

· Some tissues – all unused - fortunately

· Finally, a miscellany of paper clips, foreign coins, fasteners, batteries, and thumbtacks litter the pencil holder front section – except for the one thumbtack impaled in my finger.

In retrospect, perhaps I am a hoarder.